Medical School I

Med school. That place that society associates with high grades, ambition, high levels of stress and concern for people's health. However, there's something very crucial about med school that a majority of people are oblivious to and that is the fact that amidst the gruelling schedules and high calibre exams, there is also the fact that we learn so much about life. This is to be taken both metaphorically and literally. We study the human body, we study how life exists biologically and physically but also emotionally and mentally. We learn about the dynamics of a group of peers under one common stressor, through our own personal experiences during our time here together.

A variety of people pass thru med school. We meet people from all walks of life and yet a lot of us find it difficult to put ourselves in their shoes and actively empathise with them. I am just as guilty of this crime as the others and I take full responsibility for that. It hasn't happened just once but numerous times with different kinds of characters. I fail to stand strong in what I believe to be the truth because more often than not, I feel like I do not know as much as the others for my opinion to matter. How wrong I have been, on 3 different counts.

Life lessons are probably the most important kind of education that one can take away from this place. There will come a time when all the information we need as doctors will simply be given to us on a tablet and we only need to find out how all these pieces fit together in the puzzle. Without emotional development on the other hand, we may be lost, not knowing how to deal with a particularly difficult patient or even a colleague.

This place may be foreign, it may make me feel like fish out of water but these taxing circumstances all work together to bring out the worst in us. What we do with those traits is entirely up to us: we can either identify and acknowledge them to work towards a better version of ourselves or we can simply deny them, claiming that this is just the way we are now and there's nothing to be done about it. 

Past Pages

Cleaning out my closet, I came across some pages I had cut out of my journal not too long ago. I propped myself against the wardrobe to read through these carefully folded pages. Curiosity turned to amusement, all tinged with a dash of sadness and yearning. I put those away into the recesses of my heart, as carefully folded as the pages I had just discovered.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath once I had finished. Those words had unearthed a few unpleasant memories that I had thought long gone. The phantom pain threatened to take over my being as I pushed myself onto my knees and continued packing my books away into the half-full box that lay open before me. I blankly threw books from my shelves into it as the words I had just read flew in circles. How naive I had been, not to mention foolish.

I felt the old anger rising up steadily inside. No, never again, I thought. I jumped up, grabbed the sheets of paper and walked out the door to the nearest stone bin with a box of matches in the other hand. I held the pages up as I quickly struck a match and let the flames lick the corners before throwing the match away. I silently gloated as the flames quickly consumed the wretched pieces of paper filled with self-loathing and ungodly yearning. My cheeks were moist and my nose runny but I felt determination welling up inside, squashing the unwelcome visitors in my emotional space.

It's going to be a new day tomorrow. 

Rules

Most people believe that rules are there to keep them from having fun, from living life to the fullest. The rules given us by God are in order to achieve the opposite. They are all there to help us live life to the fullest, to keep us from expending our God-given time on things that do not matter ultimately to our purpose here on earth. Rules keep us from hurting ourselves, from pain and heartache. From having your soul half-scorched to death to such an extent that any sort of healing seems impossible.

It may often seem like you have gotten away with it but those consequences eventually do catch up and then you pay, threefold, thirtyfold, a hundredfold even! It may not be the next day or the next month; it may be five years down the line. You will be haunted by it until you've understood the lesson in the ordeal. It will follow you until you turn it over to God and allow Him to change those parts of you that led you into those situations.

Yes, we have been saved by Grace and our sins have been forgiven but that is not a free pass to keep committing more sins. Especially ones you know are extremely wrong. Giving in to your fleshly desires does eventually destroy you and those around you. This couldn't be truer. I always thought it was an exaggeration, meant to instil caution or fear in people. I now understand that it is not the case; I feel like I am dying because of things I have knowingly done.

Let Him in, let go of your issues with authority - believe that He has the best in store for you.  

Cast It All (?)

It was so heavy, so heavy
This burden that I was carrying
When all I had to do
Was cast it all on You.

You promised to take care
Because nothing is impossible
For You, oh God are always there
Always there, no matter what we say
Or what we do or what we want

(???)

Heart of Soul

Unrest stirs the heart; 

Sleep evades at night

My soul weary, torn,

Exhausted and weak.

When hope starts fading, 

Then the battle's lost. 

Swim strong thru the waves,

Awaken, chin up;

Fight harder, Heart of Soul. 

Changes

Change is the one constant thing in everyone's lives. Your age, your appearance, your bank balance, your heart and soul all undergo change . Your occupation could go from being a tiny tot to being the CEO of a big company, over a lifetime. You could go from being the nicest and sweetest girl in class to being one of the bitches, over a number of months. You could become a slumdog millionaire, rich within a matter of hours. What drives these changes? What drives us to become who we are today?

Some would say it's our life experiences. Going through those tough spots or not having had any at all. Having had people who have used me constantly for what I can give them while giving me nothing in return, you would think that I would stay away from such situations ever again. And you know what? I do. I have gotten better at saying 'no' to people than ever before. I have stopped shying away from standing up for I want to do, the best for myself. There are obviously certain weak spots where I have allowed myself to be naive and careless about myself but those are under reconstruction currently.

What about peer pressure? That seems to be a large motivator for most actions these days. You want to run with the prettiest girls in class? The ones who bitch and moan about everything all day? Who try to make things interesting and play games? Who are reckless with people's feelings? That's fine by me but I sincerely hope you do not get hurt by them. I have grown wary of such people over the 12 years of abuse I've suffered from people just like them. They are nice when it is convenient, when you agree with them, when you're on their side. The moment you take a stand for yourself and are on a side that's not theirs, they go into offence mode. They are the type of people who will turn on you in a matter of seconds. That's how the whole world works.

Your own insecurities and weaknesses leave you open to such abuse and pushovers. You decide where and who you want to be, darling. Let nobody else decide that for you because what you can do, nobody else can. Don't change for the worse, choose what's best for you, not what others will like to see. You choose the path you want to take, take the road not taken.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference. 

Dreams

The hero that I tried to be
It wasn't the role for me.
Shattered time and time again
Yet I never got off the train;
As it twisted and it turned
My gut dipped and churned,
Losing a piece of my soul,
It just spun out of control.
And now that we barely talk,
I'm sinking like a frozen rock.
Again I live in my dreams
Because in them it seems
I still have my best friend,
And in them I can pretend
That reality doesn't matter.
It keeps swirling far away
Dragging me in its sway.

The Piano II

His fingers moved seamlessly, one with the ivory keys, brushing the black brothers gently. His feet worked the pedals as his heart flowed through his limbs. He loved making music on this beautiful piece of art. The black ebony shone in the thousand dazzling lights of the chandelier, brighter than anything else his eyes could see. The tone of this exquisitely crafted instrument resonated with the sounds of his furiously pumping heart. They were one, the man and the Ebony black grand piano.

And then the sky fell upon them.

They were torn apart, why, no one could really tell. He watched with anguish as the other musician touched her keys and drowned himself in her sensual tone. His heart was heavy, his eyes drier than the Red Sea as they made music together, as the songs he had wanted to compose rose from them instead. He lived and relived the feel of the softness of that beautiful ivory surface, on each key. He decided he would never make music with another piano again; it could never feel so right ever again. He lay down in the niche he had carved out for himself, and holding on to the little tag that had come with Ebony, he closed his eyes that he may live in his dreams...

A tinkling woke him. There stood a Walnut piano, lustrous in the dawn rays. A minute spark of interest flew from his fingers. He reached out and struck a chord. The harmonious notes echoed around the room they were enclosed in. He played another, and another, and another. And then he withdrew his hands, for he could feel his heart writhing inside of him. He stepped back, slowly, tiredly.

The Walnut grand piano stood silently, waiting, longing for her notes to be sounded again, to feel the joy of making music. She watched as the man sauntered over again, hesitantly caressing the inky black keys, his fingers working their way over the ivory planes. She basked in the joy of it, carefully forgetting that he might leave again but hoping he would not. She knew he felt he was playing just some piano, not the piano, knew also that his heart was not in the music he was making with her, but hoping nevertheless that he will make music as he once had, fiery and passionate.

But he did leave, his heart still yearning after the Ebony beauty.

The cold, still strings lay in the dark, dust beginning to settle as the Walnut grand desperately hoped he would come back. She watched and prayed.

When he came back, sweet music filled the air. She rejoiced but a small, nagging doubt crept in for it seemed his fingers struck the keys yet his heart was far away. She strove to give her best, her strings resonating as loudly as she was built for. 

The music stopped abruptly. A soft sigh before he played another song. He shook his head, his heart heavy. He played a chord, tears in his eyes. "This would be a lie," he whispered, as he stood up as an old man would. His steps wobbled, his joints hurt and he was short of breath as he walked away. 

The Walnut grand stood echoing in the silence, worn. She slammed her keys shut, vowing to never let it open until his fidelity has been proven to her. A long, minor note rang out as she wailed into the darkness. 

The Ember

The void of oxygen hurt,
It clenched its throat;
Strangling the air out,
The last wisps it'd held to.
It shivered and withered
As the icy remnants of it
Fought to stay alive.
Shrivelling as slugs in salt,
It heaved laboriously
And took that one final breath. 

The Skeletons of Paranoia

That familiar mist slinks around.
Heart pounding. Thoughts burning.
Thud, thud, is all I can hear now.

The second hand drags on by;
Strung up, like a marionette doll
I jerk, this way and that, I cry.

Fingers tremble with each word,
As the cold sliver of steel feasts,
Screeching, my soul it clawed.

I know it's there, yet you insist
Smoothly wooing my beliefs
Towards, "It does not exist."


The voices fade away to deathly silence.